Axel

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. We will be having a traditional Thanksgiving meal, but with a twist. It is also a birthday dinner for a special person.  The following is a letter to him for his birthday. 

Hey Axel,
So you are celebrating or should I say tolerating your 25th birthday now. You came into my life, kinda by accident in late August or early September of 2011.  It was not long until I realized you were a "keeper", a friend who would be around for a long long time and not just for a season and not just for a single reason.  You became family!

Life has not always been easy for you, having been born in Spain to Mexican parents and migrating to the United States from Mexico as a young child.  Your uphill climb began when you entered kindergarten unable to speak English with teachers that spoke no Spanish. The challenges kept coming, but Axel, you have always managed to find a way to successfully meet these challenges or to find a way to cope with them.  That makes you a winner.

You appear to be a fun loving care-free young man, but as one who has gotten to know you better, I see that you are a warm loving person who is very sensitive to the needs and feelings of others. You have an inner-strength which gives you the ability to face your own unique challenges. Beneath your outward display of confidence sometimes bordering on cockiness, you have a sincere humility which adds to your your inner beauty.  If I had to choose one word to best describe you, it would be 'Courage'. You are one of the most courageous men I have ever known.


We have spent thousands of hours together.  You have gone with Anne and me on road trips into four states, to movies, to restaurants, on shopping trips, you and I have shared thousands of hours of television and general conversation. We have worked together; we have laughed together; and we have even cried together. You and I have had our share of arguements and fights too. We know each other as well as anyone could.  Anne and I have met some of your family and you have shared many of your friends with us.  You is a real asset to us with Studio A as well as around the house.

Anne and I are blessed that you have made your home with us for almost two years. We respect you.  We admire you. We appreciate you.  We love you.  You are and have always been very sensitive and attentive to our needs here at home and on the road. You are, in every sense of the word, a gentleman, always assisting Anne both at home and on the road. Our relationship goes beyond mere friendship.  Anne has become your AnneMa.  I have become your Grandpa.  Even Anne's aunt Doris is often "Aunt Doris".  We are proud and happy that you are a part of our family.  Both your inner and outward beauty make you a blessing to everyone who really knows you.

We are really thankful to have you as a major part of our lives. May God bless and keep you on this birthday and throughout your life.

Love and Best Wishes,
Lynn (Gramps)

The Loss of Innocence, November 11

November 22nd fell on a Friday in 1963. Somehow I remembered it as being on a Thursday, but then it was 50 years ago and memory is not what it may have been at one time.  Anyway, the day of the week is not that important.

It was my first class after lunch, Mrs. Whitlow's American History Class.  By Georgia Law every eleventh grader in the state had to take American History. As I recall Mrs. Whitlow was a rather strict but fair teacher. She had a way of making history interesting as well as informative. That particular afternoon we were doing a study on Abraham Lincoln and just about to get into the details of his assassination when Eddie Hart, a student from another class opened the classroom door. I can recall he was wearing a brown and tan plaid shirt.  Strange that I thought it was Thursday, but I remember the shirt as well as his name and I could easily recognize him today if he has not changed his appearance in the past fifty years. 

I even remember his words, "Mrs. Whitlow, the President has been shot!"

"Eddie, that is nothing to joke about," she responded as she was about to start to lecture him on the seriousness of government in general before she realized he was not teasing.

"I am serious, he has been shot", he said.  

She went into the hall for a moment leaving her class in a state of shocking silence.  Within moments she returned and motioned for us to follow her.  The entire student body crowded into the "tv room" which was a large basement room that had once served as the cafeteria in the 1930s when the school was first constructed. We all watched the one television in silence as the newsmen relayed the story of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy.

My initial response was that of disbelief.  I kept waiting on them to announce that it was all a mistake and he was still in surgery and would recover.  It was only when they announced that his body was being removed from the hospital that the reality of the situation was felt. 

For the remainder of the day and into the evening and all day the next day we never left the television in the living room of the federal housing project apartment where I lived with my mom and her brother, my Uncle Guy.  By we, I refer to my mom, my cousin Terry, and my friend Garnett.  Terry, Garnett, and I actually talked of taking an overnight trip to Washington but again reality set in as we realized it would take money we did not have to make such a trip. 

On Sunday, I was with my Uncle Les and his son, my cousin Billy as we made the short ride from my mom's place to visit my cousin Charlene and her husband Ed and their son Ricky.  When we arrived at their house the news was giving the account and showing film of Jack Ruby's assassination of Lee Harvey Oswald.  I really wished I had seen that event on television.  I felt Uncle Les, Billy, and I were probably the only three Americans not to see it.

I recall vividly the details of the funeral the following day, the procession with the riderless horse, the body of the President in the flag draped coffin, the long procession of foreign diplomats and state leaders who followed behind the family as they took that long sorrowful walk.  I recall the salute given to his father as his body passed Little John John.  I was particularly impressed with the poise and dignity shown by the first lady.  She maintained her composure and completed her duties to perfection to earn the love and respect of a hurting nation and a grieving world.

Truthfully, I felt as if we had lost the person who was to bring our nation to a position never seen before in world politics.  I had complete confidence in Kennedy's leadership.  The establishment of the Peace Corps and the emphasis placed on the Space Race with the Russians were the two things I most remember.  As for civil rights, his heart was in the right place, but because of a lack of knowledge and understanding of the full situation, he was never able to make the progress he could have possibly made if he had lived to complete another term of office. His leadership in the Cold War and the Bay of Pigs Incident are most impressive.  

Looking back a few years to the 1960 election, it was the first Presidential election I could remember. I had written to the Democratic headquarters and secured bumper stickers and campaign buttons.  I displayed the bumper stickers proudly on both the front and rear of  my mom's 1953 Mercury. While her political views were in total harmony with mine, she was a little hesitant to display the campaign material on her car.  Afterall, it was the conservative south and we were pushing for the election of a liberal Democrat President.  She was not ashamed of her conviction nor her liberal beliefs but for her safety.  There was some deep hatred of Kennedy in the south, much of it from him being Catholic and we had never had a Catholic President before in our history.  Hatred is must often associated with ignorance and misinformation.  A grandmother of one of my friends voted against Kennedy because she was told that a Catholic President would force us to destroy our Bibles.  She, her grandson, my mom, and I watched the election results and discussed the politics at play.  By the  end of the evening she was happy that Kennedy had won, though I think she still had her doubts. 

A couple of days ago I was talking with a friend from Florida who relayed an interesting observation made by his mom who is near my age.  She had told him that the assassination of President Kennedy was the beginning of a change in American History.  Up until that time, the US was growing and progressing in basically every possible way, but since that day, we have seen things progressively get worse, year by year.  In her words, "we lost our innocence" which is leading to our decline.  I have had the chance to run this idea past a few folks today, and everyone I have spoken to has completely agreed. 

The integrity and character of a nation are no more than the total integrity and character of the individuals who make up that nation.  It is just that simple. President Kennedy said it best, "Ask not what my country can do for me, but ask what I can do for my country".  It is only when each one of us answers that question and accepts that challenge will this nation be back on track to becoming what it could and should become.  It is not only the responsibility of our leaders but that of each of us as well.

What makes the family work

Over the past few weeks, I have written several blogs concerning our concept of family.  I am using the word "our" rather than "my" in referring to this topic.  I have been exceptionally blessed  with having my wife, Anne, by my side. Anything previously said about the family concept reflects her feelings as well as  mine.  Life for us has been a joint venture yet has allowed each of us to maintain our own individual identity as we combined to form a union or joint identity as the core of the family, both biological and acquired family. 

A few years ago we were in a discussion with our friend Howard who is a confirmed bachelor. He had been best man at our wedding over 40 years ago.  We were talking about all the friends from high school and college who had been divorced one or two times, maybe more.  We realized we are one of the few couples who are with their original partner.  He asked us why or what has made us stay together.  Anne quickly answered his question, "we started out as friends and throughout all the years we have remained friends."  We have not allowed our friendship to drift apart, but through open communication have allowed it to change as necessary to make it all work out.  We do not always agree, but we do always listen; and we talk it out. Sometimes we compromise, and other times one of us gives in completely; but the emphasis is always on finding a solution to make things work. 

We have two biological sons,  Allen, the oldest, and Jon who is five years younger.  Both are adults. Both have been married and now divorced. Both have made us grandparents. Allen has a son Shane who is a senior and honor student in a high school in Portland, OR.  Jon has two children, Rosemary who is a senior at the Governor's School, an honors school for designated gifted students in the humanities and arts. Her brother, Jonathan, is in first grade, and has already established himself by being recognized as one of the top students in his grade excelling in reading. I must commend both Allen and Jon for their excellent parenting skills with their children.  I am very proud of them for this as well as proud of the grandchildren for their successes. 

Allen has been a world traveler. This began when he was a student at the University of South Carolina and had the opportunity to study at Oxford University in Oxford England.  He has traveled back to England and other European countries.  He has traveled and  lived throughout parts of Asia.  He taught at a university in South Korea and is currently employed as a teacher in Shanghai. He made two trips to Sri Lanka to help rebuild areas after the destruction made by the Tusamni. He made these trips at his own expense.  He met with the assistant to the Prime minister there to help in planning to rebuild schools. He tells some fascinating stories of on hands work in rebuild one specific school and of helping individual students and families there. 

Jon has been more the home body concentrating on the development and progress of his children. His efforts are evident in the results of both Jonathan and Rosemary.  He has been successful in business both as owing his own business and working in key positions in other companies. Most recently he has been instrumental in creating a business locally which focuses on tourism and entertainment. 

All this sounds wonderful and as if we have been the perfect family. Overall, I would say we have been successful as a family but far from perfection. One thing for sure, Anne and I were always a team, though our sons may not have seen it that way.  We always had the same goals and objectives and worked to see them carried through.

I would be amiss if I did not refer to our partnership as it relates to our acquired family as well.  That, too has been a joint venture for us both.  Again we are generally in agreement, but always willing to listen to each other and make whatever adjustments necessary to make it work. Out of respect for their privacy, I will not talk about them specifically. 

If we were to have a written mission statement for having created this "second" family, it would be found in second chapter of Matthew.  "I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink,  I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me.  I was in prison and you came to visit  me." I  will not quote more of it but the message is clear.  

While I have seen both Allen and Jon use this scripture reference in their own lives in working with people, unfortunately, they do not agree with the the way Anne and I have used it as a foundation for helping those of our  acquired family.  There is no concern that others may take advantage of us. Our sons realize we are too smart to allow that to happen beyond where we are willing to go.  Allen said it clearly when he told me that I could call it "jealousy".  Jon's rejection is based on more personal ideas, yet unfounded. 

Anne and I share the same dream, the same wish, or desire, that both Allen and Jon will come to realize they have nothing to fear for themselves or for their children in the choices that Anne and I have made toward helping other people, and that they would accept the members of our acquired family as a positive addition to our lives and even to theirs as well. Though we have tried not to let their attitudes interfere with what we do, it has definitely had some impact which has limited our efforts. We continue to pray that they will outgrow their suspicions and jealousies and eventually accept what is to be. 

Finding one word to answer the question that titles this entry, What makes a family work, is difficult, but perhaps words like understanding, accepting, compromise, listening, compassion, trust, communication, motivation,  determination, and the list could go on and on; but perhaps the most important word would be love.

Worst Lunch Ever

This was first written in October of 2011 just over two years ago.  The details of the event so  closely follow the theme of my last blogs that I decided to add it here as a more permanent documentation than that of a document only saved on an old computer. 

A few weeks ago I met a young Hispanic man.  Over the course of a few days we continued  communication and have actually become good friends even though it would appear we have nothing in common and he is young to be my grandson.

Today, he helped me move some heavy furniture and in return I thought the least I could do would be to buy his lunch at one of our local more popular restaurants. My country fried steak tasted as if had been left over from last week.  The gravy was cold.  The creamed potatoes had a good taste only if one likes iced potatoes. But these are not the reasons for this being one of the worst lunches ever.

Upon entering the establishment he commented, "This is awkward. I don't feel comfortable here."  One quick look around the place and it was easy to see why.  some of the patrons, mostly the more elderly ones, had stopped their eating and were looking at us as if we had escaped some circus freak show.  I would assume from their stares that they had never seen a Hispanic person eat in the same restaurant as them before. As we were taking our seats, my friend made reference to being the only person there who did not appear to be a white Anglo-Saxon.  True there were  no other Latino, Black, or Asian customers present.

Our server, who appeared to be in her mid sixties, was prompt and matter of fact in her manner but stopped just short of being rude in taking our order.  There was a  notice of the absence of any small talk which  had always been present with the staff when I ate there with my wife and other friends. There was not even a hint of a smile.  After an extremely long wait our food was delivered. It would be more accurate to say that our food was dropped off at our table.  She brought a dish with ketchup, honey mustard, and BBQ sauce for his chicken and explained briefly in a condescending tone the use of each condiment  as if he had never been exposed to them before. She spoke in a loud slow voice as if speaking to someone who was either deaf or unable to understand the English language. There was absolutely no follow up to refill our iced tea glasses or to see if we needed any other service or wanted to order any additional food.

By the conclusion of the meal, I was beginning to feel as if maybe we were from a different planet or solar system.  My friend finished his meal and excused himself to wait outside while I hastily gulped down my last few bites and paid the bill to make a fast exit.  It was all too obvious that neither we nor our business was welcome there.

One would think that we have advanced beyond the days of racial and ethnic discrimination and prejudice, but it appears to still be alive and well, and it still thrives off ignorance and suspicion.  Lesson learned:  I know where not to go eat.

Follow up:  It has been two years since that incident happened.  Neither he, my wife, nor I have been back there to eat.  He has become a very good friend to both my wife and I.  For almost two years, he has made his home with us.  We have gotten to know his family and many of his friends. We have accepted them into our lives, and many of them have accepted us into theirs as well.  Soon after meeting him, his grandmother died in Central America.  He began referring my wife and me as his grandparents, and some of his friends recognize us as such.  He is a vital part of our acquired family that I have spoken of in previous blogs. Love, acceptance and respect are not determined by race, color, age, or ethnic background.  We are all God's children.

The bigger family

If Adam and Eve were white,

And if evolution does not exist,

Where do black people come from?

The above question was posted on Facebook by a friend of a friend who shared it with a friend who shared it with me.  Yeah! You do not need to school me on the Biblical story of the events of surrounding the Tower of Babel which some scholars think would give some ill thought out answer to the question.  

There are two points here.  The first is that the question serves as an example of the ignorance of many members of our society.  The second point is that all people regardless of race, or ethnic background, or religion, or sexual preference, or socio-economic status, or nationality, or whatever label one may choose to use are all children of God.  By God, I refer to the God of the Christian faith but it would equally apply to any diety of any so called religious faith. 

In my previous blog, I talked extensively about my family, both biological and acquired by choice.  Both of our sons have had friends of all races and of many religions. They were never  taught to be judgmental based on such factors or to show predjudice toward those who are different in any way.  Of our acquired family, Anne and I have welcomed, Asians, blacks, whites, and Latinos.  Just to make the point, I do know Hispanics are of European descent and technically of the white race.  Latinos are the off-spring generations resulting from the migration of the Hispanic to South and Central America and blending with the native American Indian population. Though it is not always correct, most folks consider Latino and Hispanic terms to be synonomous, though that may not always be true.

My oldest son was required to write an essay on someone who had influenced his live.  I was honored that he chose me.  In the essay he commented that I was lucky to have been brought up in a home that taught me to be open-minded and accepting of those people different from me.  As a child, we had a big cotton field bordering our back yard.  As I mentioned previously, I spent many cotton seasons in the fields along with black families picking cotton. I began my teaching career the first year of full federally mandated immigration in the public schools.  We had no problems in our school.  As previously mentioned, of all awards and honors I have received the one I value most is the "Diversity in the Workplace Award" from Ford Motor Credit Company. 

I am about the most open-minded, accepting, non-judgmental, non-predjudiced person you will ever know.  But I will confess there is one group of folks for which I have absolutely no respect and no toleration.  That group of folks are the narrow-minded, judgmental,  hypocritical, ignorant people who believe they were created better than any other group.  Most of these wave the American flag with one hand while they carry their Bible under the other arm. They never realize that they are as far from American and as far from Christianity as one can possibly be with their condemnation of anyone who does not believe exactly as they do. This statement is not intended to judge anyone, but only to state an observation. 

With that thought, I will sign out for today. 

May the God you worship bless you in accordance with His will. 

Good night. 

What is a family?

Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is the definition of a family in the minds of the family members. Usually, one thinks of family consisting of blood relatives in the traditional sense. Some sociologist simply define a family as a unit of individuals who love and care for one another in the same sense as one would be considered as a member of a tribe or clan with no mention of blood relation.

The traditional concept of family as mom, dad, son, and daughter has become almost a myth in today's society.  Somewhere between 40 and  50 percent of marriages end in divorce. Increasingly large numbers of people opt out of the marriage vows to simply live together and rear their family as a healthy, happy family group. Looking at exceptions to the traditional family concept we must include the many children living with a step-mom or a step-dad or both.  Many become single parents due to the death of a spouse. Let's consider court ordered foster homes as well.

Both of our sons had friends while in middle and high school who felt as close to Anne and me as if we were their parents.  Some even called us mom and dad.  Our sons were close to some of their friends' parents and would refer to them as mom and dad also.  We were, in no way jealous of the other parents, but in fact happy that someone would be willing to be there for emotional, spiritual, or even financial support for our kids.

God richly blessed Anne and me with two biological sons and three biological grandchildren.  In many ways we fit the definition of the "traditional family"  We were lucky.  I will note that each of our sons have been married and are now divorced.  Each of the former daughters-in-law has remarried so our grandchildren all have step-fathers in their lives. Fortunately the grandchildren appear to be happy and healthy in this situation and they all have maintained a great relationship with their fathers.

Whether you call it fate, or luck, or karma, or a blessing, or a gift from God, Anne and I would call it an opportunity.  I suppose the correct sociological concept would be to label us as surrogate parents or grandparents to some young adults who came into our lives. Anne is often called "mom" or  "AnneMa" (which is the name two of our biological children call her), or Anne.  In addition to being Lynn, I have been called "Gramps" and  "Dad".  We are never "Mr or Mrs Hall".  At the risk of appearing vain or conceited, I will say that we are honored that someone would value us enough to adopt us in these roles.  It is also a humbling experience.  It gives us a sense of responsibility and additional meaning to our lives.

As much as I would love to write about these honorary children and grand kids, I will respect their privacy and offer a word of thanks to them. It is awesome to receive an email from one in college telling me of recent accomplishments in school and successes in personal achievement and telling me the part I had in helping to bring about this success.  It is really good to meet someone unemployed and almost homeless and later go into their work place and be introduced to their coworkers as "mom" and "dad".   It feels so good to be with someone at the mall and be introduced as their "Gramps" and to hear their friends refer to Anne as "AnneMa".  A sense of fulfillment is realized to have these surrogate kids bring their friends into our home as guests to meet us, or for dinner because it has become their home as well. Some days we have not known how many would be here for lunch or dinner or exactly who would be here over night. One morning this summer I found myself cooking breakfast for eight of us.  It all works out though, because most of the housework and yard work is completed for us.

When I had surgery earlier this year, our son was at the hospital with me and waiting with Anne while I was in surgery. He brought us home and followed up to be sure we did not need anything else at the time.  Later that day our adopted grandson came with one of his friends.  The friend returned to his home and work the next day but the grandson stayed with us.  He rarely left our presence and was sure we had everything done here that needed to be done.  He worked with Anne to take really good care of  me. You know, I am not sure if I even told him, "Thank you".. oops..  

In so many ways it is like it was when our biological sons were home and coming in with their friends, some of whom called Anne "mom" and me "dad".  The house is filled with laughter and conversation, of life and love again.

Sure, we are retired and in the autumn of our lives but we ain't dead yet.  We have a lot of living and a lot of loving to do yet. Each day we pray a prayer of Thanksgiving for this opportunity to extend the family concept beyond its traditional bounds and a prayer asking for strength and wisdom to meet the challenges that come with it.  Life is good!!!!