Over the past few weeks, I have written several blogs concerning our concept of family. I am using the word "our" rather than "my" in referring to this topic. I have been exceptionally blessed with having my wife, Anne, by my side. Anything previously said about the family concept reflects her feelings as well as mine. Life for us has been a joint venture yet has allowed each of us to maintain our own individual identity as we combined to form a union or joint identity as the core of the family, both biological and acquired family.
A few years ago we were in a discussion with our friend Howard who is a confirmed bachelor. He had been best man at our wedding over 40 years ago. We were talking about all the friends from high school and college who had been divorced one or two times, maybe more. We realized we are one of the few couples who are with their original partner. He asked us why or what has made us stay together. Anne quickly answered his question, "we started out as friends and throughout all the years we have remained friends." We have not allowed our friendship to drift apart, but through open communication have allowed it to change as necessary to make it all work out. We do not always agree, but we do always listen; and we talk it out. Sometimes we compromise, and other times one of us gives in completely; but the emphasis is always on finding a solution to make things work.
We have two biological sons, Allen, the oldest, and Jon who is five years younger. Both are adults. Both have been married and now divorced. Both have made us grandparents. Allen has a son Shane who is a senior and honor student in a high school in Portland, OR. Jon has two children, Rosemary who is a senior at the Governor's School, an honors school for designated gifted students in the humanities and arts. Her brother, Jonathan, is in first grade, and has already established himself by being recognized as one of the top students in his grade excelling in reading. I must commend both Allen and Jon for their excellent parenting skills with their children. I am very proud of them for this as well as proud of the grandchildren for their successes.
Allen has been a world traveler. This began when he was a student at the University of South Carolina and had the opportunity to study at Oxford University in Oxford England. He has traveled back to England and other European countries. He has traveled and lived throughout parts of Asia. He taught at a university in South Korea and is currently employed as a teacher in Shanghai. He made two trips to Sri Lanka to help rebuild areas after the destruction made by the Tusamni. He made these trips at his own expense. He met with the assistant to the Prime minister there to help in planning to rebuild schools. He tells some fascinating stories of on hands work in rebuild one specific school and of helping individual students and families there.
Jon has been more the home body concentrating on the development and progress of his children. His efforts are evident in the results of both Jonathan and Rosemary. He has been successful in business both as owing his own business and working in key positions in other companies. Most recently he has been instrumental in creating a business locally which focuses on tourism and entertainment.
All this sounds wonderful and as if we have been the perfect family. Overall, I would say we have been successful as a family but far from perfection. One thing for sure, Anne and I were always a team, though our sons may not have seen it that way. We always had the same goals and objectives and worked to see them carried through.
I would be amiss if I did not refer to our partnership as it relates to our acquired family as well. That, too has been a joint venture for us both. Again we are generally in agreement, but always willing to listen to each other and make whatever adjustments necessary to make it work. Out of respect for their privacy, I will not talk about them specifically.
If we were to have a written mission statement for having created this "second" family, it would be found in second chapter of Matthew. "I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me. I was in prison and you came to visit me." I will not quote more of it but the message is clear.
While I have seen both Allen and Jon use this scripture reference in their own lives in working with people, unfortunately, they do not agree with the the way Anne and I have used it as a foundation for helping those of our acquired family. There is no concern that others may take advantage of us. Our sons realize we are too smart to allow that to happen beyond where we are willing to go. Allen said it clearly when he told me that I could call it "jealousy". Jon's rejection is based on more personal ideas, yet unfounded.
Anne and I share the same dream, the same wish, or desire, that both Allen and Jon will come to realize they have nothing to fear for themselves or for their children in the choices that Anne and I have made toward helping other people, and that they would accept the members of our acquired family as a positive addition to our lives and even to theirs as well. Though we have tried not to let their attitudes interfere with what we do, it has definitely had some impact which has limited our efforts. We continue to pray that they will outgrow their suspicions and jealousies and eventually accept what is to be.
Finding one word to answer the question that titles this entry, What makes a family work, is difficult, but perhaps words like understanding, accepting, compromise, listening, compassion, trust, communication, motivation, determination, and the list could go on and on; but perhaps the most important word would be love.
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